Ok guys, I get it! No really, I get it, okay?
Yes, I am in fact from Scotland, and yes, I am in fact also wearing pants (it’s Tuesday).
Wow, yes, I’m sure you’re amazed that you can understand my accent, even though we’re both speaking English and it’s both our native tongues….. Goddamned wanker!
No thanks, I prefer to stay sober, yes, that’s right, I don’t drink. Yes, for the last time, I am in fact Scottish! GRRRRRRRR! Just kidding, I love drinking!
All right. Stream of consciousness rant over. Let’s take a look at the most common and prevalent stereotypes about us Scots and the true reality of living in Scotland amongst all these weird hard-drinking, haggis-eating, and kilt-wearing, foul-mouthed bastards.
Number One: Alcohol
Well, honestly I can’t really refute this one. I and my fellow Scotsmen really do love to drink. For me personally it’s a large pint (or rather a few pints) of lager after a long hard day of work at the steel mill. Just kidding, the steel industry’s dead and I could never do manual labour. So much for my William Wallace fantasy. I wonder if he would have had any use for IT programmers? I could work for his propaganda department I imagine.
Number Two: Kilts
Guys, when you are out and about, how many ways do you know to discreetly adjust your balls in public? Don’t lie to me, you do it, I do it, all guys do it! Well guess what? If you wear a kilt you will NEVER have to worry about adjusting your balls in public again! Because your family jewels hang loose, free, free from the tyranny of underwear and pants!
Basically what I’m saying is that if you hate freedom, you wear pants. If you truly embody the qualities of freedom, you wear a goddamned kilt! As William Wallace said: FREEDDOOOMMMMMMM!
So yes, I wear my kilts often, and I wear it proudly. COME AT ME BRO!
Number Three: Haggis
What is haggis made of? Blood? Bladder? Liver? Well here’s the truth: IT DOESN’T MATTER!
What are you, some lame-assed vegetarian? Or some sissy health freak who only eats chicken breast?
This just in: Haggis tastes great! It makes me feel like a super caveman from the paleo era! Do you think our badass ancestors had the luxury of only eating the lean cuts of the animals they hunted and killed? No, they had to eat every damn part they could, and some of those animal parts go into haggis!
So eat your goddamned haggis people! Any tourists coming to Scotland, come try some, it’ll make you mighty and strong like our Scottish ancestors!
Number Four: Rampant Obesity
Yeahhhhhh, unfortunately true. According to the BBC:
“According to 2013 figures, almost two thirds of adults were overweight, with 27.1% classed as being obese.”
Can’t beat around the bush on this one, if you are coming to Scotland to look for some fit birds for shagging, I recommend you head to good old Londontown. Despite my high level of Scottish patriotism, I might just move to the big city for that reason alone.
Well, that about sums it up. Any Scottish folks, drop me a message!